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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29038674">Never Piss Off Old Witch Women</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Velasa/pseuds/Velasa'>Velasa</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Fluff and Crack, Genderbending, Humor, Kryterius, M/M, Mass Effect Kink Meme, Unrepentantly silly</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 10:42:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,249</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29038674</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Velasa/pseuds/Velasa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Saren makes the poor choice to slight a witch and wakes up as a woman.  Great silliness ensues!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Saren Arterius/Nihlus Kryik</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Never Piss Off Old Witch Women</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Back in 2013 I filled a very silly prompt on the MEKmeme for a mysteriously genderswitching Saren and you know what?  I'm still fond of it, figure my Kryterius folks might enjoy it, so here it is!  Enjoy!  Pardon the neurotic pronoun shifting, Saren barely knows what to call himself as things go on.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Saren approved of predictability in his private life: simple, clean, quiet, and with few disruptions.  He went to great lengths to assure the times when he was not on a mission went as smoothly as possible... which is what made his current situation so deeply unpleasant.</p><p>One simple threat to a panhandler should not have ended up like this.  How was he to know that you shouldn't piss off old witch women?  He paid little attention to ancient human traditions, he was only interested in the proper ways to get the aliens to speak before he killed them.  It was not something he could have anticipated.  By the Spirits he no longer ever <em>remembered</em> what he had said to her before he woke up three days later in an unknown part of the Wards, far from his apartment, reeking of ryncol and unknown spices.  It was an oddity and an inconvenience but little more.....</p><p>Until the next morning.</p><p>When he had woken up in the wrong body.</p><p>It was his more or less: his coloring, his biotics, his horns, his mind and temper and full range of abilities.... but female.  Which was not something he had any ability to comprehend in the least, so he was still sitting naked on the bed in dumb shock when Nihlus showed up an hour later.</p><p>.................. He would have thought Nihlus would have asked more questions, but after a flabbergasted short conversation that ended with Saren giving her partner a death glare and shouting that<em> Of course it's me you idiot!</em> he had ended up flat on his back being fucked senseless in ways he had never had any reason to consider before.  Namely because he had not <em>possessed</em> said orifice before.   Having often been under his lover in the past or not, he hadn't anticipated quite <em>this</em> in any way, shape or form.</p><p>.... He also had not considered that he would like it so much.  Enough that despite the fact that it was barely morning, he missed a dinner she had been meant to attend late that evening with someone rather important.  The next morning he awoke as his normal male self again and decided he had dreamed it all despite the decidedly feminine scent filtering up from in the sheets and the deeply sated Nihlus curled up in the middle of it.  Everything was back to normal and he would gladly forget such strangeness, oddly pleasant as it was, had ever happened.</p><p>Until it happened again that was.  Another morning, another awakening in a female body that made no Spirits-damned sense.  And then it went away, and it happened again without rhyme or reason.  He really should have hunted down and killed that old woman... if it wasn't for the fact that Nihlus kept him far too distracted for any kind of intelligent thought to last long.  He had always loved the sensation of his lover's tongue tracing down a horn, but he now loved the feeling of it on her more elastic and sensitive waist, and further down from that...  <em>Spirits.</em></p><p>It was a terrible idea.  They did it anyway.  Saren did not actually enjoy being in the wrong body but he did enjoy Nihlus' fucking him so hard they broke more than one piece of furniture in their antics.  Nihlus being pansexual liked both his bodies but there was something so different in Saren's female demeanor: a certain off-kilter lack of balance with his new physique, a lessening of that perfect cold precision his lover always had when he was typically so 100% sure of himself that left him more.... open, that drove him crazy for her.  Nihlus could barely explain why it affected him so much.  Saren could barely explain why he liked it so much, it was an awkward conversation to have and why try to sort out the emotional and personal complexities when there was a perfectly good kitchen table right there that they should be fucking on?</p><p>All in all, it was terribly counterproductive.</p><p>---</p><p>Life continued as usual for the both of them; they were often apart for their work, and when he woke up with the change Saren ignored it and continued killing people at the Council's bequest.  The individuals who saw him rarely said anything about his shorter fringe or the shift in the shapes of some of his facial plates as they were typically too busy dying or screaming.  Sometimes both at the same time.  And when the two of them were together again they spent much of their time as they always had, which among other things included sex.  Saren was especially keen on fucking Nihlus speechless into the floor when he retained his own masculinity; it had been a regular occurrence before but now with all the days that he couldn't it had only gotten hotter.  And then Nihlus would only be more driven to screw her just as hard the next time he woke up female.....  Life had returned to a routine and he grew to accept it.  It didn't make sense, but it was normal.</p><p>Until he woke up from one long night with Nihlus expecting to be his male self again and he was still female.  It was a pain in the ass because she had a Council meeting to attend and had been able to keep his condition from them for the last few months, but duty came first.  Even if it was deeply frustrating the way the Councilors stared when he arrived.</p><p>Valern didn't notice the difference, Tevos tried to be polite and not mention it and Sparatus stared at him slackjawed.  He brought it up, of course, though Saren really would have rather ignored the whole issue and just talk about what they had called him here for.</p><p>"I pissed off a witch." was her simple answer, and everyone seemed to accept that without further question.  It was possible that Tevos gave her looks like he was an idiot for doing such a thing, and Sparatus was contemplating the Spectre like he wanted to bend her over his knees aaaaand Saren got out of there as soon as possible.</p><p>And then he woke up female again the next day, this time on her own as Nihlus had been called off on a mission.  And the next day, and two weeks later he was still female and when he returned from bursting skulls with his biotics and Nihlus <em>still</em> wasn't back to distract him she took off for the Spectre office to use all the machinery to analyze the crap out of this damn body to figure out what the fuck was going on.  The results came back.  Saren didn't like them and ran it again.  No, that wasn't possible.  She ran it again.  He kept running different scans until Jondum Bau was standing awkwardly in the entryway staring at his suddenly female colleague sitting naked at the communal Spectre terminal screaming and cursing at the Spirits-damned machines and their lies.</p><p>..... Saren finally went to a doctor after that.  Nihlus got a call shortly afterwards that he had better get his brown ass back on the Citadel NOW or he was going to force feed him his testicles one at a time.  He made a point of returning quickly after that.</p><p>When Nihlus finally arrived Saren was pacing through their apartment, dressed in civilian wear that fit a bit oddly in places because of the still-female body.  Nihlus blinked at her as she continued pacing after he came in.</p><p>"Saren?"</p><p>"Not <em>now!</em>" she barked in that utterly Saren way; his voice had barely changed at all besides a small pitch shift that flavored his subvocals differently.  "I'm trying to decide the best way to snap your damn neck."</p><p>Nihlus blinked a few times, shifted his posture, utterly unfazed by the threat.  "How come?"</p><p>"For doing this to me!!!"</p><p>Huh.  "Pretty sure that was the witch."</p><p>"No you don't-" Saren gestured wildly with his hands, nearly hyperventilating.  It was about that point where Nihlus got a good whiff of his partner and his jaw hit the floor.</p><p>"Holy fuck."</p><p>"You see???"</p><p>"Holy <em>fuck.</em>"</p><p>"Nihlus if you say that one more time-"</p><p>"I can't, I mean..... fuck, Saren!"   As she came closer he was struck harder by the scent coming from his partner.  "When did this-"</p><p>"Just after you left!  This is <em>your</em> fault damn it!"  The roar was pure Saren, and when he was a trainee it would have scared the piss out of him but this far along in their relationship all he could do was grin.</p><p>"Saren, this is fantastic."</p><p>"............... what."</p><p>Oooh, he was in trouble.  But he was beaming anyway, reaching out and snagging him into his arms to push his face against her throat and breathe in that sweet sweet shift in hormones that signaled a very specific kind of change.  "You know, I've always wanted kids."</p><p>Saren cuffed him, which he expected.  That dark face couldn't stop grinning anyway.  "<em>Nihlus-</em>" she started to snarl, but the younger male just set his forehead on his and it snapped the anger far faster than he would have liked.  All the same he still kept his face resolutely in a frown.  "I would be a horrible father."</p><p>"Mother."  Cheeky bastard was grinning.</p><p>"Fuck you Nihlus."</p><p>And he only grinned more, mandibles flared out as wide as they could go.  "I think that's what got us into this situation in the first place."</p><p>Saren's response was to glare back unamused, but Spirits damn him she (prooobably she for a while now) couldn't keep the look up long in face of the unbridled happiness beaming from his lover.  Eventually she settled into a grumpy acceptance as Nihlus' arms wound round her.  Then he started purring.  The purring brought up an entirely different reaction in this proximity, rumbling warm against the thin skin of his throat and setting off a tingling in all the right places.</p><p>".... So you wanna..?"</p><p>"It's not as if I can get any more pregnant." Saren replied, already working the seals of his red and black armor.  Nihlus, of course, was more than happy to oblige.</p><p>---</p><p>Saren was in a foul mood.</p><p>Normally that didn't mean much; she was usually in a foul mood, especially when he was she, but this one was foul even by those standards.  She'd been put on maternity leave.</p><p>For months she had been perfectly fine and running missions, but slowly the body he was stuck since becoming pregnant had rebelled on him: bloating past the point where she could alter her own armor and be able to function comfortably, wracking her with nausea and throwing her system out of whack badly enough that using biotics had become a losing proposition.  It was when he'd caught himself in his own singularity that Saren realized it was time to contact the Council about taking time off.</p><p>The first few days were bothersome but acceptable.  Nihlus had been there and as much as she hated being doted on there was a certain.... pleasantness when it was him doing it.  He knew him well enough to be able to maneuver around the worst of her black moods, when she wanted to be touched and when to get the hell out of the apartment.  He even brought her whatever insane things she asked for.  ...More than once Saren suspected the younger man of having used his Spectre connections to procure them.  After all, how the hell else did you get fresh <em>vekkan</em> eggs prepared properly on the Citadel?  It was a horrible overreach of authority but it was.... endearing.</p><p>Unfortunately it didn't last.  Nihlus had put forth a Spectre candidate and was required to oversee the human's training and there was no possible way to get out of it.  When Nihlus tried to apologize Saren just snorted at him and waved it off.  "It's your duty as a Spectre, and for the Spirits sake I'm not made of glass."  They'd debated the issue, had a quick sensual goodbye, and separated.  And now Saren was overwhelmingly pissed off and bored and horny and in pain and all around loathing her body and the little brat that was shifting it in ways he hadn't thought she would have to deal with.</p><p>How long were turian women pregnant for fuck's sake?  He'd never paid attention before- it'd never had any relation to his life, she knew more about hamstringing and torturing krogan than he did his own people's birthing process.  Nihlus answered that by sending her vids, which were awful.  Turians may have it better than other species- their children were relatively small- but Spirits <em>she was a man who slept with men damn it </em>this wasn't suppose to be his problem!!!</p><p>Nihlus stayed in touch, sending messages and obscure gifts and the occasional sexy video to tide her over.  He and his candidate had stumbled onto some human terrorist organization causing trouble on their first mission, and normally Saren would have been on top of things but the more bloated he got the less he gave a damn and just wanted it done with.  With her partner away her only visitor was the doctor.  Which was necessary, yes, but not remotely pleasant.  The old salarian knew what he was doing but talked seven miles a minute and would continue doing so for days if not stopped.  It earned him a punch on more than one occasion but the limber bastard dodged it and flashed her an infuriatingly peppy grin before telling her to continue with the test.  Spirits help him one day he was going to catch the little shit and take his other horn off....</p><p>She had finally managed to get into a comfortable position to sleep one night when some kind of commotion through the walls woke her.  All attempts to ignore it failed to make it go away unfortunately.  With a snarl she threw the blankets off and stormed to the door in one of Nihlus' shirts (he told himself it was because they were looser than her normal style and they fit better.  It would take a very special kind of torture to get him to admit that he frankly just missed him) and slammed it open to the detriment of whoever was outside.</p><p>The rant he'd had prepared to tear the asshole a new one never got the chance to come out however; the thing at the door wasn't right and when it tried to rush her she blew a hole through it's torso with a warp.  It let out an unnatural shriek as it collapsed against the far wall of the hallway, blue and grey and humanoid but twisted.  There were more of them in the distance only visible in the blacked out hallway through the lights imbedded in their bodies.  Saren shut and locked the door abruptly, checked that the power was out in the apartment as well and went under the bed to pull out his favorite pistols.</p><p>Sitting around alone, sleepless, and miserable had been a distinctly shitty proposition.  If  an excuse to kill something had been dropped in his lap there was no way in hell she was about to pass it up.</p><p>---</p><p>He may have been far too professional to admit to it or let it affect his judgment but Nihlus was in a panic.  The Citadel was under siege and on fire and his mate- his <em>pregnant</em> mate- was stuck somewhere in that chaos and Spirits help him if something happened...</p><p>Another husk exploded off to the left as roughly a ton of Krogan rammed into it.  Shepard and the crew of the Normandy had proven themselves excellent soldiers, thank the Spirits given what they'd spent all these months up against.  Fucking Illusive Man making pacts with nightmare machines from beyond the stars in exchange for human superiority.  When he got his hands on Timmy he was going to choke him until his head popped like a cork for all the mess they'd gone through, all this time away while Saren was pregnant.  That was quality time he wasn't going to get back damn it!  You only got a first child once!  Saren was ok, she had to be ok.  He was more than capable of taking care of herself and always had been.  He'd be <em>fine</em>, the baby would be <em>fine</em>, and he didn't let himself consider the alternative.  Too busy killing things anyway.  The Citadel Tower was the crux of it all.  Just keep moving.</p><p>The interior of the Tower was eerily silent.  Flames crackled in the trees and in the distance you could hear the sonic booms of warships battling overhear but from the Council Chambers themselves?  Nothing.  Just a lot of dead husks littering the floor.  They crested the last staircase to the innermost sanctum of the tower to see...</p><p>"...Saren?"</p><p>Nihlus almost lowered his gun in shock.  He managed to keep it up and alert but he couldn't help the big stupid grin that took over his face and flared his mandibles all the way out.  Saren sat there at the end of the petitioner's stage, dressed in nothing but one of Nihlus' shirts, surly as ever and splattered with green and red blood while seated on the corpse of a very familiar human in an expensive suit.</p><p>"It took you long enough" she snorted.  "Though I have wanted Harper dead for a long time.  I take it I should thank you for the delivery?  However I have to ask you-"  Shepard and Wrex fanned out to secure the area as Nihlus walked up to embrace his partner with a full-throated purr of love and devotion.  Saren returned it somewhat begrudgingly and his heart soared.</p><p>"Anything for my best girl.  Guy.  Spirits I don't even care which!"</p><p>Saren pulled back from the headbump looking unusually sour faced even for him.  "Nihlus there's time for this later."</p><p>"Come on, indulge me a little, it's been a long time."</p><p>"<em>Nihlus-</em>"</p><p>Underneath them The Illusive Man's corpse started to glow with an unholy light but Saren wasn't having any of that shit.  A graceful movement had her on his feet and the Brawler turned it's head into a fine red mist, followed by a shockwave that hurled it across the room straight into a singularity.  Seconds after Timmy exploded with extreme prejudice the black mass of Sovereign detonated like a supernova way overhead.  Deafened and stunned Nihlus nearly toppled over the edge of the stage into the hole below but Saren snagged him by the front of his armor bellowing angrily into his face.  Not that he could hear a word, mind you.  The communications/translator implant in his head needed fully fifteen seconds to reboot to clear it out.  Saren continued shouting the whole time.</p><p>"<em>--kssssskkkkkkKkkkKkk--</em> -aid I've been stuck sitting here because I'm in <strong>labor</strong> you <em>idiot!</em>  The damn cuddling can wait until this brat is out of me!!!"</p><p>So it came to pass that baby Kryik-Arterius was born right there with the help of a set of human and krogan nurses who thankfully had had field training in this kind of thing.  The exhausted mother turned back into a father the next morning and the little family settled in comfortably to their apartment, which had luckily avoided exploding.  Technically the child had a name but Saren only ever called him Brat and after a while it stuck.</p><p>And they all lived happily, grumpily ever after.  The end.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
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